"Mars and Venus Move Over:
Here Comes Another Alien!"
by Katharina Kohler

I still remember the shock I got when I first moved here. What a terribly superficial culture this country has, I thought. The way people treat each other, especially in conversations! At the beginning they ask you: "How are you?" But beware! They don't really want to know how you are, and if you make the mistake of actually giving them a detailed account of your well-being, they'll shun you for weeks. On the other hand, you're required to immediately embrace all new acquaintances with the standard "Nice to meet you." Maybe you weren't even in the mood to meet somebody at this particular moment, and if she or he turns out to be just another perfectly intolerable human being, then you lied to the entire world around you! I had some serious objections to this whole game. Unfortunately, even I am human and realized that it was either going to be adaptation or getting the heck out of this country, and my finances narrowed it down to the first choice.

In addition to my little blunders with American small talk, I also had quite a few instances of misunderstandings, and it certainly was not because my English wasn't fluent! I could tell you about the time I had an enticing little talk with a seriously cute guy who threw me a "I'll call you later" at the end of the conversation. Dummy me, sat by the phone the rest of the evening waiting for him to call. Is this an instance of gendered communication, or is it just a sign of the "American" times? How often do we use these vague phrases to be non-committal with almost anybody? These sentences have lost any actual meaning; they're an easy, "polite" way out of any situation. We refuse to give a concrete answer and therefore we can't be tied down to any kind of commitment. It's a good way to keep the other person at an oh-so-friendly arms length. But is it really polite to put the other person on hold by being so evasive instead of being definite and honest? Personally, I don't think so. Where I come from, we prefer the rude method of saying exactly what we think and getting it over with. Not unfairly have we Germans earned the reputation of getting things done efficiently...

Thinking about my first years here gives me quite a different perspective towards the issue of gendered communication than what the typical American citizen might have. Although I agree that we have to take into consideration that men and women are fundamentally different, to blame all misunderstandings and miscommunications on this fact is not accurate. Two very popular authors, Deborah Tannen, who has impressive credentials as a linguistics professor, and John Gray, of whom almost everybody has heard of by now, claim the different use of language by the opposite sexes to be the root of all evil in arguments. I believe that miscommunication between men and women is only a small portion of the whole problematic issue, which is not specifically gender?related. We have to look beyond the obvious differences to get to the real sources of complications during conversations and to find a solution to this wide-spread problem. Men and women can very well communicate to be understood if they only want to, and so can everybody else.

The best place to start improving communication is with the biggest troublemaker in your life: yourself. We could eliminate some unnecessary misunderstandings by omitting the vague phrases that leave the field wide open for generous misinterpretation. There is, of course, no sense in denying that men and women are different, and John Gray has a good point when he cites his examples of how a conversation between opposite sexes can go awry. He lists the "Ten common complaints that are easily misinterpreted;" those uttered by women include: "We never go out," "Everyone ignores me," and "Nothing is working" (17). Gray claims that complaints like these are why men often feel accused and women misunderstood and slighted in a relationship (17). It is true that it's very easy to interpret these generalized and exaggerated statements in different ways tainted by what you might think the other person is trying to say, not even giving them the benefit of the doubt. Often we assume that we know what is meant and then get upset if we are proven wrong! But this does not occur just in conversation between different genders. We need to learn how to be concise and instructive in any conversation instead of having to consult Gray's insultingly prejudiced "dictionaries" in his book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

Indeed, I have a serious problem with the stereotypes that he uses. You can take the sentences uttered by a "Venusian" and attribute it to a "Martian" with just as much success. It is dangerous to throw all men into one pot and label it and all women into another. Men don't all act alike in any kind of situation and women certainly don't either. Neither are the solutions offered in Deborah Tannen's essay "Put Down That Paper And Talk To Me!" of much help in personal relationships. To attribute all miscommunication to the tendency of women to blurt out all their "fleeting thoughts" (14) and the tendency of men to hide behind their morning paper in a protective response (13, 15) is a huge mistake. The usage of stereotypes comes into play, but we all know from personal experiences that men don't just talk for information and women for interaction (13) as Tannon claims so assertively. I've caught plenty of men gossiping, not only in private settings but even at the workplace, and I know for a fact that if I call somebody on the phone from whom I want some info, I never mind making small talk just to get some interaction. The real solution has nothing to do with women giving up their self-being and adapting to the sometimes rude and insensitive behavior of their spouse. We all need to agree on some common courtesy and discuss issues in a straight forward, honest manner instead of giving some the opportunity to withdraw from a conversation whenever they want to and forcing others to comply at the expense of their own needs.

So, who has this power to control and in which communication settings is this right exercised? I found the answer to this in an essay written by yet another critically acclaimed author in the field of linguistics, Senta Troemel-Ploetz. Her "Selling the Apolitical" is a vivid response to Tannen's anti-feministic approach to communication solutions. Troemel-Ploetz condemns Tannen's findings for their lack of in-depth explanations for behavioral tendencies men and women display during communication and also their neglect of the fact that conversation is a direct extension of the power play between them (68). Troemel-Ploetz maintains that this is not a cross-cultural issue and that both genders understand each other very well (68). Men are able to converse with women on a decent level if, in fact, they choose to or are being forced to, e.g. in a professional setting (72). But due to their higher social status, they still can act out their dominance in a private, non-business situation like the home (72). I believe that this is the heart of the matter. How often do I still feel too intimidated to talk back to a man even if I know that I'm right and he's wrong. I can blame my authoritarian upbringing and my personality, but isn't it time to take a stand? It's a shame that a reasonably smart, ambitious pre-med student should rather keep her mouth shut even amongst friends out of fear of embarrassing herself.

Therefore it is obvious to me that both Gray and Tarmen neglect some important facts. We are not robots that come in two different editions; our communicational differences are, to a large extent, grounded in this still existing macho-world, but they also lie in our personalities, characters, upbringing, life experience and yes, in where we come from. After reading these two articles, I could have felt very insulted; I usually am a very quiet and shy person. I don't like to talk much. I still don't talk much at home and I absolutely hate long, personal phone conversations. I have finally learned how to open my mouth in a classroom setting so as to not ruin my grades by not participating, but, good grief , according to both Gray's and Tannen's stereotypical classifications, I ought to be a man! Is there something seriously wrong with me or might it be that their findings are somewhat superficial and oversimplified?

Since I refuse to admit that there is anything whatsoever wrong with me I would like to offer some solutions for worry-free American-style talk. Let's all try to be courteous to our fellow talkers and listeners by being precise in what and how we say things! I also would like for any woman to stand up for herself in any conversation, be it by being quiet if she chooses not to acknowledge invading questions, or be it by demanding to be heard -- and understood! -- by the opposite sex I would like men to be on the lookout for these revolutionary and radical women because, after all, we women have the power to send you all back to your beloved "caves"!

Gray, John. "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." Writing the World: Reading and Writing about Issues of the Day. Ed. Charles R. Cooper and Susan Peck MacDonald. Boston: Bedford/St. Martin's, 2000. 16-25.

Tannen, Deborah. "'Put Down That Paper and Talk to Me: Rapport-Talk and Report-Talk." Writing the World: Reading and Writing about Issues of the Day. Ed. Charles R. Cooper and Susan Peck MacDonald. Boston: Bedford/St. Martin's, 2000. 8-16.

Troernel-Ploetz, Senta. "Selling the Apolitical". Writing the World: Reading and Writing about Issues of the Day. Ed. Charles R. Cooper and Susan Peck MacDonald. Boston: Bedford/St. Martin's, 2000. 67-73.