That's All I Remember

The sun attacked from every corner. It was playing hide-and-seek. Every time the road shifted it would go behind a mountain, and then jump out again. It wasn’t hot, probably about 50 outside, it seemed warmer though. The sun kept seeping through the tinted windows making it hotter in the car. How ironic. Such a beautiful day. How can one of the worst days of my life be so damn beautiful. The ache wouldn’t go away. It wasn’t coming from a specific area, it was everywhere. Three whole days, feels like ten years.

The dead mountains were coming back to life. Leaves growing, the branches were almost full on some trees. Life goes on. What a cliché. It’s like a movie. Why can’t I feel anything? Why can’t I cry? I’m so numb. Shouldn’t it rain or something? It should at least be cloudy. I can’t stand this damn sunshine!

" It’s another tequila sunrise,

starin slowly ‘cross the sky,

they said good-bye..."

"Ooh take another shot of courage

wonder why the right words never come

you just get numb..."

"It’s another tequila sunrise

this old world still looks the same

another frame..."

She pulled over in a space she was able to make out through her tears, and opened the door. The cool March air met her wet cheeks. She placed both legs in front of her outside the car. The ache was moving. It’s the only thing she felt, yet she felt nothing. This is so stupid. Now? This is crazy. I’m losing it. A lump seemed to form and swell in the bottom of her stomach, then made its way up to her throat. What’s happening to me? The whole weekend was coming at her like a train...everything.

***

You’re gonna do fine. You know this stuff, just stay calm and think straight. Emily got up from the desk, grabbed her school ID and jammed it in her back pocket, along with a couple of #2 pencils. "Mhhh whooo." She opened the closet, found her dark green pull-over, and began to put it on when the sharp, loud shrill of the phone scared her head into the wall. Ouch. Should I answer? I’ve still got 20 minutes before I have to be there, well, maybe it’s long distance. Hopefully someone who’ll calm my nerves. "Hello."

"Emily?"

"Yeah?"

"It’s Jake."

"Oh, how sweet. To what do I owe this honor?" She knew the only time her brother called was when he needed to talk, but she didn’t have time now. Emily was in Chemistry mode.

"I have to tell you something, and I wanted you to hear it from me," his voice was low and shaky, she knew something wasn’t right.

Shit. Don’t say it. I don’t want to know. Whatever it is, it can wait, can’t it? Her heart and stomach felt misplaced, confused. "Nate Thomas was in a car accident last night. Em, he died."

"Okay, I gotta go Jake. I have a test."

"I’m sorry... I should have waited...I didn’t know."

"I’ll talk to you later." Click. Her stomach was in her throat.

Emily wiped her tears onto the sleeves of her sweatshirt and looked around. The surroundings were starting to come into focus. Where am I? A gravel path led to a small foot bridge, she followed it. Her knees wobbled across to the middle of the bridge. She inhaled deeply and watched her breath leave her like cigarette smoke. It must be colder than I thought. So many trees, so green, so fresh. She used the side rails for support. Leaning over the side, she saw shallow water flowing away. The swishing sound was soothing, like having a seashell up to your ear. It calmed her down. Fish. A whole school of them. School. Tequila Sunrise. Nate.

***

I remember the first time I saw him. The eighth grade. I was taller than all the boys, that’s why I noticed him. He was taller than me, and so cute. Really dark hair, mysterious eyes that sparkled when he smiled, olive skin--he looked Italian. The boys in middle school were all blonde, so Nate stood out. All the girls went crazy over the new kid. But I never talked to him until I was in high school, we had Spanish together in the 9th grade. He wrestled all through high school, played football too. That’s how we became friends. The wrestlers and volleyball players ran together after classes. We ran one mile, they ran two. He started teasing me in Spanish during volleyball season that year.

"Emily, why are you so quiet in here?" I just looked at him, wondering why he wanted to pick on me.

"I’ve seen you around your friends, you never seem to stop talking. You need tequila, I’d bet you’d have tons of fun if I introduced you to tequila. Have you ever heard that song by the Eagles, "Tequila Sunrise," those are the best mornings." Am I getting red? I can’t believe he noticed how I am around my friends. What a great smile. Is he flirting with me?

"What makes you think tequila and I don’t already know each other?" I asked.

"But have you ever sung the song while getting to know tequila?"

"No."

"That’s what I thought, we’re just gonna have to change that." Then he started to sing:

"...every night when the sun goes down

just another lonely boy in town

but she’s out runnin’ round..."

***

The fish were gone. How long have I been here? It still felt hot. When she reached the end of the bridge, she caught a glimpse of something pale beside the river. A picnic table. I guess someone else knows about this place too. A narrow path of half-naked trees led the way. She sat on the end facing the water. This is pretty small, I guess it’s more of a brook than a river.

***

Sophomore year we had first and second period together, Biology and Spanish II. I don’t know which class I hated more, but Nate and I got through it together. He could never stay awake. I’d stay awake by throwing things at him, gum wrappers, toothpicks, pencils, whatever I could find. What did he say to me that day? I remember looking out the window from Spanish class, at the Taco Bell across the street. Watching the late-comers cross the street and make their way up the stairs. I remember what I was thinking--where are these details coming from? I can’t believe I’m remembering this after all this time. I was thinking about being different, knowing that I wasn’t beautiful. I didn’t even notice he was beside me until he spoke. It was like he was reading my mind and just jumped into the conversation in my head. "So, how many people did you turn down for homecoming this year?"

"Only two," I said, trying to hide my smile. How does he do that?"

"You know, we’re not all ass holes, most of us are, but not all. I definitely fall into the ass category, but we asses still have friends we look out for." What is he talking about?

"I want to tell you something," he said, looking at me. I was still staring at the passing cars, but I could feel his eyes burning into my shoulder. He seemed nervous. "I guess it’s just something I think you should hear.... It’s like you’re years ahead of us in maturity. Do you know what I mean?"

"Not really." Nate looked at me and smiled.

"This sounds so much better in my head. What I’m trying to say is that you don’t deserve an ass hole, so don’t ever settle for one. We think you’re different. No, that’s not what I meant to say...uh... we respect you."

"We?"

"The guys. There’s just something more to you. This must really sound stupid." I remember looking at him blankly, unable to figure out if I was more shocked or confused. More to me? Where is this coming from? Why is he saying this to me?

"You all were talking about me?"

"Sort of, it’s not really something I can explain. It was a random conversation that came up, and since I’ve designated myself your adopted brother, I wanted you to know."

I remember walking down the sophomore floor in the mornings, he’d be coming my direction with his friends. He’d stop mid-sentence, run up to me, hug me, spin me around. "Good morning sis! You look beautiful today!"

***

How could I forget this stuff? Emily didn’t realize she was sobbing until she heard herself hiccup. My God, he was only 15 when he said that to me. She wiped her face into her sweatshirt, leaving a snail-like trail across the length of her sleeve. A strip of sunlight shined down the left side of her body. She got up and walked closer to the water. There wasn’t any grass. It was an overcrowded entanglement of roots. The water was low. A collection of smooth and rocky stones filled the inches below the water. It was so clear. She bent down at the edge and put her hand in the water. Ahh, cold. Feels so good. Emily cupped her hands together and splashed the chilly water onto her face. Everything seemed so clear now. Like he had a purpose and fulfilled it. Why did he say that to me? How did he know I needed to hear it. I used to psyche myself out in high school, making up conversations in my head about what people thought about me, it was like my own little world. It was nothing like the stuff Nate told me. Why’d we stop being friends? It was different after sophomore year. She stopped talking to Lee and Greg too. What did they do? The baby. The drive-by. How could they be so stupid.

***

It was over the summer. I think. They’d been drinking and driving around. One of them had a loaded gun and they were daring each other to shoot. Idiots. They aimed at a house and fired. None of them ever admitted pulling the trigger. All the parents were convinced their boy didn’t do it; but that wasn’t the worst part.

A man was putting his baby in her crib. That one lousy bullet went through the bedroom window, up to the ceiling, ricocheted downward, right into the man’s shoulder. He had just lowered the baby, so she fell right into her crib. The bullet missed her by inches. He couldn’t look me in the eye, just stopped talking to me. I couldn’t get past it--couldn’t forget. Part of me wanted them to get off, they were my friends. But the other part wanted them to pay. It’s amazing what a good lawyer can accomplish. They were each found not guilty, and everyone knew they did it. I couldn’t erase the image from my mind.

***

The sun came through the trees, it’s rays pushing through the still-forming baby leaves. Each beam hit a different part of the water. Five glistening streaks fed the brook light. The sections were distinct, long and slender, almost like fingers. You could count the beams. Makes it look like God does exist. Emily wanted to move closer, get a better view of the sun and sky. It wasn’t cloudy. A few whisps of flat white fuzz took up little space in the big open sky. It was like a painting. Blue easel, white paint, with only two strokes across the sky. Are you up there? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I couldn’t forgive you.

***

The line was two blocks down from the entrance of the funeral home. Wow. All these people. Parents, friends, some crying, some numb expressions, and some distant, were all waiting. Inside. Getting closer. Almost there. What do I say to his parents? Football players and wrestlers, going through motions Greg, Lee--they were all inseparable then, now too. I hugged Lee, he didn’t let go.

"You remember, before, we had so much fun," he said. I didn’t know what to say. I was so numb. Why can’t you cry? Didn’t even shed a tear. Lee cried on my shoulder, still holding me. Or was I holding him?

"Have you seen him yet? Have you been up there?"

"No." He released me and took my hand. Guiding me. My stomach objected, it wanted me to stay. Two of his ex-girlfriends stood there sobbing out loud. Too loud. His Mom, Dad, and sister stood there. They wouldn’t have noticed an explosion. Each focused on something different. God help them. God, help me. God bless Nate. Lee let go of my hand. He was calm now, serene or maybe he was numb too.

"We had some good times. Remember homecoming sophomore year?" he asked.

"Huh-uh."

"He wanted you to be homecoming queen, tequila queen, or something like that. He drank that stuff like water. Anyway, he deemed himself your campaign manager. You hated the idea, told him he’d have to wear the crown." I forgot that.

"I knew the crown would look better on him." We chuckled. The ache in my stomach shifted.

That’s all I remember. Emily’s eyes stung. The selective sunshine gave spots of life to the secluded area. A patchwork quilt of dead and alive greenery zigzagged around the brook, only growing where the sun fed the roots. To the left, the leaves and branches were stronger. Some flowers were starting to bloom. They were mostly a light shade of purple, but some were yellow and red. I wonder what kind of flowers they are. They’re so tiny. No one can appreciate them out here. They looked like splotches of paint in the distance.

On her right everything seemed brittle and frail, breaking under her footsteps. She walked toward a dark spider-like tree. Its spaghetti-thin branches were long and bereft of spirit. Most trees reflected life in nature, not this one. It was old and naked. Weeds couldn’t even survive here. Lifeless. This is how I feel, like these dead roots that have nothing to keep alive.

***

Is that it? Was his purpose to remind me and everyone else how his short life affected so many people? What’s my purpose? He’ll never hear new songs on the radio, never have kids, grand-kids, get married. How can anyone full of so much life just be gone? No one knew how to handle things, so we all stayed together. Didn’t do much talking, we were just there.

Nate hit a tree less than a mile away from his house. His car slipped on a sheet of ice. It was all melted now. His parents have to drive by that tree to get out of the neighborhood. What torture.

The next day when everyone got into town they all went to the tree. They took pieces of the car. Key-holes, mirrors, lights, locks--how morbid. They left flowers. I left flowers too. Daisies. He loved yellow. I put some yellow ones out there too, I don’t know what kind they were.

That night, after the showing they went back to the tree. His closest friends. They took bottles of tequila, scotch, and whisky. They drank hard and smoked all the weed they could find. They cursed the tree, kicked it, Greg tried to burn it down, but someone called the fire department. I had a shot of tequila. It made me feel closer to him.

***

The air was heavy. Breathing was hard. Am I supposed to learn something from this? The cold was finally starting to penetrate through Emily’s sweatshirt. The sky was no longer blue. The sun hid between two mountains on the horizon. Streams of blue and purple bled into the sky. The veiled sun released a blend of yellow and orange into layers of the sky above. A stairway?

The wind stung her face. She turned and walked toward the picnic table when the sound of crackling branches shifted her attention. A doe and baby deer were drinking from the water. They’re so close. Mother and child. The doe forced its nose into the deer’s leg, pushing him further into the water. Nate’s Mom has to walk by his room every day, hoping that his things will still smell like him. Then one day they won’t.

***

I couldn’t go to the burial. Everyone’s car was full. I don’t want to go by myself. The church was packed. I tried to listen to the preacher, but I was looking at all the people I hadn’t seen in years. Is this the only thing that could bring us all together. Only one part of the funeral stuck with me. The preacher asked where we thought God was on that late night when Nate hit a patch of ice so close to home. I wanted to know. He said God was in the car with him, that He was the first to cry. Why would God cry? I wanted God to be with him. Nate hated being alone, he loved being the center of attention. Can Nate see us now? Is he laughing at us crying over him? He’d hate that. He’d want us all to get together and party, like last night. The service ended and everyone got in their cars and went to the burial like an army of ants. I drove home, packed, and left for school.

***

It was dark. He’s gone, just like this day. If he didn’t die, I never would have remembered all those things we talked about, the things he said. The way he made me feel. Emily could see her breath leading the way back to her car. She inhaled deeply, started her engine and turned the radio off. The road was empty, and the drive peaceful and quiet. Thank you Nate. I’m sorry you’ll never know what you did for me. I’ll never forget you.