Pat Robertson Claims God Smote Sago Miners

By Raabia Wazir
Senior Sympathy and Condolence Correspondent

PORTSMOUTH, Va - Speaking on his long-running television show "The 700 Club," televangelist Pat Robertson astonished viewers when he claimed that the Sago mine disaster was a divine expression of God's wrath. Robertson was referring to the January 2, 2006, coalmine explosion in Tallmansville, W.Va., that resulted in the suffocation of twelve miners.

Americans Express Solidarity with Iraqi People with Purple Fingers, Mutilated Limbs

By Raabia Wazir
An American Who Understands What You’re Going Through

SPOTTSVILLE, Ky - On December 15th, millions of Iraqis sported a purple-dyed finger after they voted to elect a new government under the constitution they approved in an October referendum. From December 12 to 15th, thousands of freedom-loving Americans expressed solidarity with Iraqis by similarly dyeing their right index fingers with purple ink. The scheme was concocted by radio-host Bill Bennett of Morning in America and gained remarkable momentum in the following weeks. Members of Congress were asked to follow suit by Representatives Jim Marshall (D-GA), Duncan Hunter (R-CA) and Ike Skelton (D-MO) who led the distribution of ink pads to the House and Senate.

Trustees Approve Emergency Top 20 Basketball Plan

By Michael Evans
Senior Sports, Adventure and Merrymaking Correspondent

LEXINGTON, Ky- In a rushed but expected move after the Alabama game, UK’s board of trustees approved an emergency plan to return the Wildcats to the forefront of college basketball.

“We felt it was time to step in and make a difference,” said board member Jeffrey Dembo, one of several who voted enthusiastically for the plan. “We’re all proud of this university and are committed to helping it achieve its goals.”

Answers to the Patriot Matching Game

1D, 2E, 3A, 4C, 5B

CampusForce.org, University of Kentucky

Turn Left, Cornell University

New Deal, Harvard University

The Madison Observer, University of Wisconsin-Madison

Progressive Review, Princeton University

Boiling Point, University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill

Dartmouth Free Press, Dartmouth College

Diskord, University of Chicago

Issue, University of Texas-Austin

Orbis, Vanderbilt University

The Trojan Horse, University of Southern California

Campus Progress, a Blog for College Students