White House Unveils New Essay Scholarship

By Jeff Gannon
Washington Correspondent #2

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Vice President Dick Cheney this week proudly announced the creation of a new $300 scholarship to be sponsored by the White House: the Iraq Exit Strategy Essay Contest. Noting the success of the Money Matters 2005 Summer Scholarship that asked students to reform the US tax code for a similar cash prize of $300 (www.moneymatters101.com/aboutus/scholarship.asp), Cheney introduced the award opportunity as an extension of President Bush’s focus on increasing accountability in public schools.

“For too long, America’s teachers have failed to educate our students in the subjects that matter most in the twenty-first century: democracy building and strategic military withdrawal. I don’t think I need to tell you that the consequences for American policymaking have been nothing short of catastrophic. This scholarship is about holding our teachers accountable…and nothing more,” Cheney explained.

The essay competition calls for a 150,000-word policy guidebook detailing a withdrawal strategy for US troops stationed in Iraq, an outline of an Iraqi constitution, an administrative structure and training program for local security forces, and an assessment plan for future Iraqi national elections.

The scholarship deadline has been set for September 12, 2005. Cheney denied rumors that the timing of the contest is set to coincide with the opening plenary session of the United Nations General Assembly on September 14th when newly appointed US Ambassador John Bolton is expected to outline America’s immediate plans for restoring stability in and autonomy to the embattled nation of Iraq.

The Vice President then addressed the allegations in his usual direct manner: “The timing of this award has nothing to do with the Greater Eleusinian Mysteries, which celebrate the retrieval of Persephone from Hades. The President likes a good Da Vinci Code as much as the next guy, but the Mysteries ended in the fourth century BC.”

Cheney defiantly refused to comment on what the government planned to do with the entries it received or why the scholarship was being run by the Department of Defense as opposed to the Department of Education.

The content of this paper is Copyright © 2005 by The Colonel and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the express written consent of the authors. All previously copyrighted creations in this publication are copyrighted to the creators.