Trustees Approve Emergency Top 20 Basketball Plan

By Michael Evans
Senior Sports, Adventure and Merrymaking Correspondent

LEXINGTON, Ky- In a rushed but expected move after the Alabama game, UK’s board of trustees approved an emergency plan to return the Wildcats to the forefront of college basketball. “We felt it was time to step in and make a difference,” said board member Jeffrey Dembo, one of several who voted enthusiastically for the plan. “We’re all proud of this university and are committed to helping it achieve its goals.” The board expressed great optimism about the top-20 plan, calling it “a light for the future.” President Todd is expected to make a statement next week outlining its particulars, but he has already revealed that the roadmap marks a groundbreaking alliance between athletics and academics at UK.

The plan comes after embarrassing losses to Alabama and perennial SEC power Vanderbilt. Despite an earlier string of victories, the season had started to grow bleak, prompting University officials to take action. On December 2, a loss to North Carolina at home booted the Cats out of the top 10 after a streak of 39 consecutive weeks among the nation’s best, and only days later the Cats were kicked out of the top 25 for the first time since 2001 by Indiana. Although UK racked up victories against the legendary trifecta of Iona, Ohio, and Central Florida and returned for a time to the AP’s top 20, critics are hailing the end of the Cats as we know them, calling the top-20 ranking “ephemeral.” Some have even suggested ousting celebrated coach Orlando “Tubby” Smith.

“Coach Smith is an embarrassment to this institution,” said Integrated Strategic Communication freshman Jim Roberts. “I just don’t think the man conducts himself in a manner becoming of a top-20 university.”

Others have expressed doubts that the top-20 plan is even viable. “These days it’s so difficult for a university like UK to distinguish itself,” said accounting sophomore Mark Jamison, apparently ignoring UK’s seven national titles. “I just don’t see a place in the top 20 for us, with all the great schools out there.” University officials dismiss such pessimism however and point to UK’s rich history and undying spirit as support for the plan.

Said Dembo in his closing remarks, “We owe this to past and future generations of UK alumni, and damn it, we’re going to deliver.”

UK Cure for Kentucky Uglies Fails

By Soon-Yi Previn
Fantastic Sam’s Bureau Chief

LEXINGTON, Ky - With the approval of the Top-20 Business Plan by the UK Board of Trustees at the close of last semester, the University moved one strategic step closer to fixing what President Lee Todd has long called “Kentucky Uglies.” Until now, Uglies have been thought to refer to the ills that plague citizens of the Commonwealth, such as poverty, illiteracy, and poor health care. Not so, according to an unnamed source who claims Uglies are in fact part of an inside joke dating to 2001, around the time of Todd’s appointment as 11th president of the university. “Uglies are all about hair,” explained The Colonel’s contact, who would only say that he was associated with the Board of Trustees. The source, who fears retaliation from adherents of the neck blanket, has become known in investigative circles as Combover. “When Todd came to campus, we all realized that the legislature had us by the ‘short hairs’ so to speak. It was ugly. They wanted us to be a Top-20 institution, but given our history as a Mullet U, we needed a plan to fix that.”

That same year, Lexington-Fayette Urban County Council approved an ordinance commonly referred to as the “Party Plan.” The Party Plan enables police to shut down noisy parties mostly in neighborhoods near campus. Shortly after the Party Plan’s inception, Ace Weekly reporter Tommy Wilson asked if “the university and urban county council [were] conspiring to rid the ‘college town’ area of students to serve their own agendas.” Wilson was on to something then, though he didn’t have all the pieces of the puzzle. It would only become clear four years later with the passage of the Business Plan. The Business Plan was widely lauded for many reasons, such as its no-nonsense attitude toward increasing instructional spending. “The Plan made UK look like it was all business…in the front,” Combover said. “The Trustees loved it. No more Sweet Kentucky Waterfall. No more budget shortfall. Top-20, here we come.”

Optimism was short-lived, however, when the Boy Governor failed to cough up all the funds UK requested in the Business Plan. The Frankfort rumor mill suggests that Fletcher enjoys keeping Kentucky ugly, and evidence corroborates that line of thinking. Consider the Smiley Face license plate. Or the Hiring Scandal. “Fletcher’s basically telling us we’re stuck with the Missouri Compromise, or maybe the Tennessee Tophat,” Combover complained. And worse news was on the way when the Urban County Council indicated it would “review” the Party Plan. Trimming the Party Plan back makes some student members of the Mullitia happy, but conservatives suggest it keeps us in the aesthetic dark ages. “It’s not just a setback,” Todd lamented. “It’s a Shorty-Longback. A real bad Achy-Breaky-Bad-Mistakey. No one will take Kentucky seriously. Our future is the Squirrel Pelt stereotype. Fletcher might call it a Coupe Longueuil, but it’s the same old Camaro Cut.”

By Alex Bibbey
Local Bio-ethics Correspondent

LEXINGTON, Ky – Anti-abortion protesters have returned to UK’s campus, this time with a truckful of new strategies.

“After a lot of negative feedback regarding our last campus assault, we’re back with a new angle on this whole genocide thing” said Mark Harrington, professional advocate for issues involving the science of bioethics and director of the Midwest branch of the Center for Bio-Ethical Reform. “If you can only really understand something by seeing it cause a traffic jam between every class, then you can only really-really understand it by experiencing it firsthand. So, we’re bringing our abortion trucks back but this time they’re literally abortion trucks: full service, rolling abortion clinics!”

The fleet of trucks, sponsored by the Center, are staffed by physicians from the Bob Jones University College of Medicine in Greenville, South Carolina. “We’re offering a full spectrum of services: there’s your mifepristone, a basic D&C, IPAS, vacuum aspiration, holy compulsion…pretty much every valid procedure there is,” explained volunteer abortionist Dr. Greg Sampson, MD. An ill-looking young man holding his groin stumbled from the truck behind Dr. Sampson – “You can just see the enlightenment on his face!” the doctor commented. Several dozen members of the Phi Epsilon Tau sorority and Campus Crusade for Christ were seen waiting in line outside the truck, one of seventeen stationed on campus.

“I think we’re doing a lot of good here, you know, making a lot of change here on campus” Harrington stated. “Next stop, the Supreme Court. See you there, Justice Ginsburg!”

Cartoon continues to amuse Office Tower

By Raabia Wazir
That Certain Je Ne Sais Quois Bureau Chief

LEXINGTON, KY – Last Monday, Oriental Studies Professor Darius Smith scotch-taped a New Yorker cartoon to his office door in Patterson Office Tower. The cut-out cartoon depicts Medieval warriors on horseback followed by a man in a tweed jacket smoking a pipe. The caption reads, “Two Barbarians and a Professor of Barbarian Studies.” Such hilarity was conceived by Frank Cotham and was first published September 1, 2003. For over two years, dozens of increasingly faded and worn copies have circulated through various humanitiesrelated departments at the University of Kentucky.

Biting on his pipe, Dr. Smith attempted to explain the appeal of Cotham’s creation. “I think certain Saidian concepts are exposed, the very use of the term Barbarian and there’s the quirkiness of academia, the isolation of living within the ivory tower, the longing to be a part of what one studies...” Smith trailed off and eventually began to stare into his upturned palms. He continued meekly, “And the tragic impossibility of such dreams being realized.” With a broken laugh, Dr. Smith ended the interview to continue his research, closed the door of his office and began to blare what was believed to be Led Zeppelin III. Dr. Smith’s latest essay entitled “On the Sailing of Viking Ships to New Lands with Erik the Red” is currently pending publication in the journal Arcane Miscellany of Ancient Northern Europe.

First annual Kentucky Man Writers’ Conference draws to a close

By Scrodo Baggins
Male Reporter

LEXINGTON, KY – “Beer bongs, high fives, and titties!” featured guest speaker Governor Fletcher cheered to an enthusiastic crowd at the opening convocation of the first annual Kentucky Man Writers’ Conference. The conference, founded in response to ove r w h e l m i n g campus criticism of the discriminatory practices of the Kentucky Women Writers’ Conference, began its three-day series of panel discussions, lectures and workshops in the W.T. Young Library with a speech by the Governor. “I was surprised that something like the Conference had not been organized at some point in the 5,000 years since men invented writing in the first place. Women were only allowed to learn to read, what, like 30 years ago and they’ve already had a shit ton of these things. The time has finally drawn nigh to celebrate the lush, thriving voice of the male!” he stated in his remarks, to which an anonymous voice coughed “Fag.” At the conclusion of the Governor’s speech, participants proceeded to drink, gamble and sleep their way through the first four lectures of the series. Several of the discussions quickly escalated into heated debates. In fact, the public forum “T or A?” appeared to be heading toward a brawl until one open-minded student declared, “C’mon guys, I think we can set aside our differences: T and A.” Former University President Charles Wethington also lent a helping hand, leading the panel discussion “Weiner or Wang? The Dynamic Role of the Penis in the 20th Century.” The weather was beautiful at the finale of the Conference, held at UK’s most prominent phallic symbol. The Patterson Office Tower, erected in 1968, was cloaked in the soft light of the setting sun. Emotional tension ran high as the conference closed with a heartfelt haiku written by Governor Fletcher: clouds appear above rain drops of anguish take flight I love my penis And release was granted as an array of fireworks splooged from the top of the building into the sky, against a bed of stars.

State Supreme Court accuses legislature of ‘bridling spirits’

By Jason Richards
Frankfort Bureau Chief

FRANKFORT, KY — The Kentucky Supreme Court this week voted 4-3 to strike down a planned initiative by the state legislature to promote responsible drinking. The court’s majority opinion cited the program’s increased restrictions on the sale of alcohol, which in the view of the Court conflicted with the state’s newly established slogan, “Unbridled Spirits.” Author of the majority opinion, Justice John C. Roach stated that the court’s decision hinged largely on Governor Ernie Fletcher’s state branding initiative: “If the governor is going to spend, like…what, $645,075 on our slogan, can’t the great citizens of this state walk the talk?” His sentence was marked with a footnote that read, simply, “boo-yeah.” Senator Richard L. “Dick” Roeding (R) expressed support for the the Court’s decision. “I think this is a sign that the state is headed in the right direction. With a state gambling initiative on the table this is no time to send the wrong message to Kentuckians. We’ve gotta fight. For our right. To party!” An unidentified intern was present during the interview to punctuate the Senator’s remarks with appropriate imitations of instrumentation and air guitar. Senator Alice Forgy Kerr (R) of Fayette County, the bill’s original cosponsor, was disappointed by the outcome. She responded to the court’s decision with both of the words in her vocabulary: “Family values.” Predictably, Governor Ernie Fletcher was quick to praise the decision. “I mean, come on, folks; we’ve got executive drink glasses, beer mugs, cup holders, and shot glasses with this slogan all over them. What did you think we meant for you to put in those things? O’Doul’s?” In related news, plans for “Unbridled Spirits” brand barware, bourbon, sports bars, and drive-through liquor stores are still stalled in the House due to ongoing debate about appropriations for the proposed “Unbridled Gambling Addiction” state casino chain.  

By Soon-Yi Previn
Yellow Journalist

LEXINGTON, Ky - Sean Lee always knew math was simpler than dating. He also thought it might simplify graduate school, too. “I could count on one hand the number of dates I’d been on since starting the PhD program here,” he jokes, “but being lovelorn paid off in the end.”

And pay off it did. Lee, 28, of Louisville, has become UK’s best-compensated student researcher after securing a $50,000 grant from the Hackworth Grant for Research in Applied Ethics for his dissertation-in-progress, To Date or Not to Date Your Students: Probability Calculus for Forming Graduate Committees.

There’s been some controversy over the results of Lee’s study, which identifies the likelihood of finding a dissertation committee member who you haven’t dated, or who hasn’t dated someone you yourself have dated, have taken or might take a class with, or have vied or might vie against for top research and teaching assistantships. “I’m not questioning his computations,” said a Philosophy professor who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “What I’m opposed to is his underlying assumption, that your graduate work should be directed by someone you haven’t been intimate with.” Also speaking on the condition of anonymity, an English professor asked, “What is the calculus of the heart? Besides, we do treat our student partners ethically. Some of us even marry our students, regardless of whether they go on to graduate school.”

Lee responds with a shrug of the shoulders. “The hardest part was just defining ‘dating.’ Did harassment count? What about candlelit research conversations? After that hurdle, it was really just a matter of Venn diagrams.”

The award was announced just as Lee began to lose hope for a smooth dissertation defense. Fortunately, he has already secured a position at Cupid.com that he can take regardless of whether his doctoral degree is conferred. “Now I can finish this project and move on to a place where I’m wanted. There’s a lot of work to be done,” Lee said. “Just look at e-Harmony. They’ve got Dr. Neil Warren and up to 30 dimensions to measure for compatibility. I’ll be Cupid.com’s resident academic, in charge of complicating the love algorithm.”

Hackworth Grants are usually disbursed over the course of two years, but Lee’s award will be given in a lump sum, especially now that Lee plans to leave academia for the private sector after fall semester. Hackworth Foundation representative Marilyn Zander explained that the committee didn’t want any institutional strings attached to the grant: “it’s more like a gift for Sean’s beautiful mind,” she said.

The Hackworth is usually not awarded to doctoral candidates, but is reserved for faculty who are conducting research to improve their teaching. “In this instance, [grant application] readers knew they had a revolutionary proposal in their hands and it hardly mattered that Lee was a student,” Zander said. “Well, it mattered, but we [reviewers] had a long talk and the committee agreed that as long as Lee was never one of our own students, it would be OK to award him the money.” Another Hackworth trustee, speaking on the condition of anonymity, noted that it helped that Lee had, “a nice a$$.”

Applebee's Owner Reaches Out to Urban Community

By Michael Powell
Local Correspondent

LEXINGTON, Ky – Vice Mayor Mike Scanlon, founder of Thomas & King Inc, this week announced the grand opening of a new restaurant chain that Scanlon and others hope will be bigger than Applebee’s. “Applebee’s has always been a great restaurant with tasty dishes and fast service,” said Jim Brey, spokesperson for Thomas & King. “This is why our slogan is ‘eating good in the neighborhood.’ Unfortunately, that neighborhood has always been in the midst of family-friendly suburbia.”

In a totally unconventional, and absurd to some, attempt to reach a different demographic than Applebee’s – a young and more urbane crowd who grew up with hip-hop culture – the company opened the first Muh’f*ckaz in Georgetown, Ky. on Thursday. “We are proud to put Thomas & King at the forefront of cutting edge pop culture,” said Scanlon at the ribbon-cutting ceremony. “Young people all across the nation will soon have a place they can call home outside of home. So come on in, feast and holla at ya boy MS. Ooooookay!”

The new restaurant’s slogan is “Eatin’ good in the ‘hood” and plans a major local marketing campaign throughout the month.

Muh’f*ckaz is a full service theme restaurant featuring an all-you-care-to-eat buffet with what Scanlon describes as “Comptonian” and “soul food” cuisine.

Signatures dishes on the menu include “Fish and Grits and All That Pimp $hit,” a generous Mahi Mahi filet with fresh grits, and “Chronic Catfish.”

The main draw, Brey said, will be the expansive “Shrimpin’ Ain’t Easy” menu, with over 10 different shrimp dishes. Muh’f*ckaz will also include an inside bar with Courvoisier and Cristal on tap, along with their specialty drink “Crunk Juice.” The restaurant features a comprehensive jukebox with over 50 hip-hop only releases and a “boom boom room,” which the company’s press release does not elaborate on.

“We wanted to create the excitement and energy of popular hip-hop videos and marry it with a fine dining experience,” Brey said. “The quality of the food, we hope, will keep the restaurant’s environment more like a P. Diddy video though, and less like the Source Awards.”

Some critics have questioned the company’s approach. Mary Jones, director of the Martin Luther King Jr. Cultural Center on the University of Kentucky campus, says that Scanlon is “inappropriately and unprofessionally” stereotyping Generation Y and African-American pop culture.

“It almost seems as if this restaurant is mocking hip-hop and black culture,” Jones said. “To me, [Scanlon] is culturally insensitive, boorish and probably racist.”

Local business owner and activist James Hakim said the opening of this new restaurant surprised him. “My initial reaction was ‘is this for real,’” he said. “But then again, what do you expect from a guy that tried to assault his car salesman? Scanlon is going for the ‘gangsta’ persona all around, I suppose.” Hakim added, “This gentleman has, I’m sorry to say, missed the point.”

“If this is Mike’s idea of what hip-hop is, then he’s listening to some whack shit,” said Tony Manuel, an employee at local hip-hop store The Album. “His ignorant, racist, Tito-lookin’ ass is certainly going to piss some people off around here.” Fellow LFUCG Councilperson at Large Chuck Ellinger would not comment on Scanlon’s new business venture but was overheard describing the idea as “desperate, obtuse and utterly stupid.”

Scanlon, in a recent press release, refuted his critics by labeling them “playa hataz.”

“Whatever. We, at Thomas & King, are not intentionally stereotyping anybody,” Scanlon said. “We want to present what is happening with the youth today to everyone in the community through the medium of a fine eatery.”

“Yes, this is true,” Brey added. “Though our target market is the 18 to 30 demographic, we do offer a senior citizen discount. We’re reaching out, you know?”

Like Applebee’s, Scanlon said all of Muh’f*ckaz’s dishes will be affordable so guests do not have to “be pimpin’ or spendin’ the cheese,” he said. “But the former is recommended, you feel me?”

The opening of the next Muh’fuckaz next month in Kalamazoo, Mich. will feature a performance by the world-renowned rap group Youngbloodz. Scanlon and Thomas & King hope to open 20 additional restaurants in the next two years.

Kentucky to Become Next 'Mall of America'

By Shanna Sanders and Maggie Dolan
Dynamic Duo

FRANKFORT, Ky - Fifteen years into its highly-touted mountain top removal program, the coal mining industry has decided to take the renovation of Kentucky’s Appalachian Mountains one step further, this time, partnering with the United States government in the name of national security and economic prosperity. After a few hours of half-hearted pro forma negotiation, the industry decided to purchase Kentucky from the US Congress for an undisclosed sum of cash and a potential first or second-round NBA draft pick in 2007 or 2008.

Among its few details, the contract outlines the long-term plan for the land use. In order to decrease the nation’s dependence on foreign oil, Kentucky’s mineral resources will be completely extracted. Once this phase is complete, the companies will develop the land into a multitude of progressive forms such as shopping centers and golf courses that add to the aesthetic quality of our great Commonwealth. John Bigglefoot, CEO of the Down With the Mountains Coal Company explained the project’s additional homeland security benefits: “Our military involvement in Afghanistan has demonstrated the danger of hilly terrains. I mean, who knows what’s hiding in those Appalachians? By leveling the state and rebuilding it from the ground up into an enormous teat that suburban shoppers from surrounding states can suck at their leisure, we’ll bolster the economy and help rid the world of terror in one fell swoop!”

Although some environmentalists are protesting the decision, many Kentuckians recognize the need for dramatic change. Referencing the state’s declining horse racing industry and the uncertain future of tobacco production, Covington’s Earle Graye sighed, “It’s time to put this state out of is misery. Kentucky pretty much needs to cease to exist.” Others are most excited by the economic opportunities. As yawped by Bigglefoot, “If we get rid of the tremendous eyesore that is the Kentucky bluegrass, think of how big the next Mall of America could be!”

Mike Falkowitz, Dean of Greek Affairs explains: “An emotional triumph of the soul, uncovering meaning in Górecki’s work that had heretofore been hidden from humanity. The unappeasable swaying of the strings, the inexorable tides of the violins, an ocean of tears punctuated by afflictive vocals, open water storms, lightning strokes of desperation, pleading, supplicating, suffering. The sisters of Pi Beta Phi have really outdone themselves."

Clever Student Pre-dates Paper, Professor Fails to Notice

LEXINGTON, Kentucky – 4:26 AM
Early Monday morning, Jamie Thomas, a sophomore English major at the University of Kentucky, completed a banal and facile analysis of gender roles in Clarissa, Samuel Richardson’s masterpiece of early modern British literature. Despite completing the paper merely four and a half hours before its due date, Thomas attempted to create a studious, non-procrastinating aura about the work by dating the header three days previous to its actual writing, a Thursday evening that was in reality spent drinking cheap vodka and Kool-Aid. It is presumed that any attempts at constructing a logical, structured analysis during that time would have been precluded by a B.A.C. of approximately .22 and frequent episodes of vomiting.

Thomas’ ruse was ultimately unsuccessful, however, as her professor took no notice of the date in appropriately giving the paper a failing grade.

Plan 'B' a success, Parking Director Arrives Safely at Work

LEXINGTON, Kentucky – 9:35 AM
The University of Kentucky’s highly-touted ‘Plan B’ was successfully executed Tuesday morning when Director of Parking and Transportation Don Thornton arrived safely at work in a University-purchased Toyota Highlander. An estimated ¾-1” of snow blanketed the Bluegrass during the early morning hours, causing widespread panic and mayhem across the region. En route to work, the crumpled and burnt-out husks of lesser, inferior vehicles could be seen littering the roadsides, according to Thornton, but the all-wheel-drive equipped Highlander managed to negotiate the treacherous roads and numerous obstacles, including unpredictable traffic signals and several ninety degree turns.

Thornton’s presence allowed Parking and Transportation business to proceed as usual- officials in snowshoes were seen writing tickets at meters, some expired by as long as ten minutes. Thornton later realized that he had forgotten his lunch and called his wife to drop it by the office.

Boone Center Renovation Scrapped

LEXINGTON, Kentucky – 1:15 PM
University of Kentucky President Lee Todd announced yesterday that the planned renovations to the Hilary J. Boone Center would be immediately halted and that the remainder of the $4.38 million budget would be spent courting potential donors with cocaine and prostitutes. “Under my newly proposed plan, the Boone Center, opened in 1987, would still lag behind similar facilities at our benchmark schools in terms of aesthetic appeal, culinary services, and seating capacity, but would far surpass all in terms of pure Columbian flake insufflation and moderately-priced sexual intercourse,” Todd stated at the press conference. “Depending upon what my guy Rico comes back with, we’re looking at eight, maybe nine kilos. And trust me, this is the good stuff, too.” UK’s Board of Regents is not expected to vote on the matter.

Library Security Strikes Fear into Hearts of Students

LEXINGTON, Ky - It seemed like an ordinary night of studying for Andy Ferguson, a nineteen year old Sociology-freshman from Louisville, at W.T. Young Library last Tuesday. He was quietly using second-floor computer when his cell-phone rang. Ferguson answered and began to chat with Steven Heath, ducking into Core 1 where he felt less acoustically vulnerable. His precautions were in vain.

He explained, “I heard this pounding up the stairs and I just knew she was out…for blood.” Momentarily Ferguson was confronted with Madge “The Buffalo” Wilson, 73, one of the Library’s finest security guards. Wilson, a Lexington native, has been serving and protecting at the Library for two years after working with the LAPD for thirty-five. Her cold stare and icy eyes told him everything he needed to know.

Ferguson and his Vanilla-Almond Frappuccino were soon escorted out of the building. He was shaken, but happy to escape unscathed. Shaking his head and cupping his forehead in his palm, he told us, “Man, that place is a fortress. You know when you come in there, you are on their turf. They’re geriatric demons, but I know they’re here to protect the books. The school’s got our best interests at heart.”

Unfortunately for Ferguson, following his expulsion from the library on his way home to North Campus, he was subsequently mugged and beaten.

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