Pat Robertson Claims God Smote Sago Miners

By Raabia Wazir
Senior Sympathy and Condolence Correspondent

PORTSMOUTH, Va - Speaking on his long-running television show "The 700 Club," televangelist Pat Robertson astonished viewers when he claimed that the Sago mine disaster was a divine expression of God's wrath. Robertson was referring to the January 2, 2006, coalmine explosion in Tallmansville, W.Va., that resulted in the suffocation of twelve miners. In his sweet, soft crooning voice, Robertson explained to his viewers, "God loves the weak, yes. He loves the merciful and humble and you can't get much more humble than people who go deep into the earth and dig up coal. But God also loves people who work hard. And those coal miners, even these scabs, just weren't working hard enough." Robertson also cited reports that stated the explosion resulted from lightning igniting pools of methane gas in the mine shaft. He chuckled, "Our Lord sent lightning from the sky to say, 'Hey, I've got all electricity I need. I'm God Almighty. But you got to work for yours, work to Keep the Lights On, like they say. Keep on digging, keep on working. Know your place.'" Some, however, claim it wasn't the miners' fault. "Experts" say the accident was a culmination of over 200 mining safety violations and inadequate funding, leadership and standards by the Mine Safety and Health Administration – many of which direct resulted from decisions and appointments by the Bush Administration. Robertson responded to such comments thoughtfully, "President Bush tried to help our Lord and Savior out, help the little guy stay focused on his job, be the bullhorn for the man upstairs, but rules just kept getting in the way. But that couldn't stop Him." He paused. "Yes, indeed, God works in mysterious ways."

Americans Express Solidarity with Iraqi People with Purple Fingers, Mutilated Limbs

By Raabia Wazir
An American Who Understands What You’re Going Through

SPOTTSVILLE, Ky - On December 15th, millions of Iraqis sported a purple-dyed finger after they voted to elect a new government under the constitution they approved in an October referendum. From December 12 to 15th, thousands of freedom-loving Americans expressed solidarity with Iraqis by similarly dyeing their right index fingers with purple ink. The scheme was concocted by radio-host Bill Bennett of Morning in America and gained remarkable momentum in the following weeks. Members of Congress were asked to follow suit by Representatives Jim Marshall (D-GA), Duncan Hunter (R-CA) and Ike Skelton (D-MO) who led the distribution of ink pads to the House and Senate. Not to be outdone, Americans who love freedom even more began to mutilate their limbs, torture family members, destroy precious antiques, and bomb local hospitals and schools in an attempt to express their more intense or “x-treme” solidarity with the Iraqi people. “Hey, man,” says Josh Anderson, 33, of Cynthiana, “I want the Iraqis to know I’m right there with them in that poll booth and on the street when that fighting breaks out and when their infrastructure is down the tubes. I’m right there with them.” Anderson has amputated his right arm below the shoulder and his left foot at the ankle. Both stumps have been dipped in purple ink. Jenny Lambert, 28, is a magnetic-ribbon merchant in Morehead. During the course of her pregnancy, she has been intentionally neglecting her own health care and that of her unborn child. When asked to explain her behavior, she tells reporters, “I just love democracy … so much!” Unfortunately, such heroic and deeply moving acts are largely lost on the Iraqi public, who overwhelmingly voted to kick the American-installed government out of Iraq in this election. When informed of the situation in America, Iraqi citizens respond much like Jamal Hassan. The 48-year-old farmer was reduced to tears. “I’ve always felt a presence here, through all the bloodshed and carnage. I used to think it was some divine being, an angel, watching me and my family. But to think, it might have been American Senator Bill Frist all along. Oh, Allah!”

American Family Association Boycotts Hip-Hop

By Nathan Dickerson
Whole Top Diamonds, Bottom Row Golds Correspondent

“Let you see my what?! Ya, ya grill ya, ya, ya grill.” After launching boycotts against Disney, NBC, and threatening Ford Motor Co., General Motors, and DaimlerChrysler for having affiliations with the gay community, the American Family Association has launched yet another campaign against the entire hip-hop industry. In a lengthy press release, the organization articulated its chief concern: the “hyper-masculinization” of American culture, which, they warn, “could lead to rampant homosexuality in the vein of an Ancient Rome or Greece.” Also, noted in the release, “rappers have shown a distinct distaste for bitches. AFA continues to believe in treating our bitches with respect.” The firestorm comes in the wake of Nelly’s latest smash hit, “Grillz.” One set of lyrics has sparked particular controversy: “Gotta bill in my mouth like Hilary Rodham.” The AFA claims these lyrics are especially concerning, because they not only “promote a liberal agenda,” but – since they are sung by a male rapper – they also, conjure “images of a man figuratively fellating another man.” The press release argues Nelly’s performance is, “a smoking gun, an oozing phallus if you will, of the submissive homosexual agenda in the media elite.” AFA argues that these lyrics are just one of many examples of the homosexual overtones of hip-hop culture. Other examples include 50 Cent’s “Ryder” featuring the verse, “I'm homophobic shiiit. Go through the hood, there's mad niggas on my dick” and Eminem’s proclivity for mooning. When pressed for comment about the difficulties of such a campaign, the President of AFA, at first befuddled, eventually responded, “I'm just tryin to say the way school need teachers, the way Kathy Lee needed Regis, that's the way I need Jesus.”

NSA Eavesdropping Included Facebook Surveillance

By Eric Rickert

WASHINGTON, DC - Top-secret documents obtained by The Colonel show that months after President Bush’s reelection, his administration began using the Facebook to track and document terrorists’ activities within the US. Under a presidential order signed in the Spring of 2005, the National Security Agency (NSA), along with the CIA and the FBI, began canvassing the social networking site for leads and information regarding Al Qaeda suspects, as well as American-born terrorists. Since its creation in 2004, the online community has grown exponentially, with virtually every college student in the country creating an account. The Bush administration asked The Colonel via a Facebook message not to publish this article, saying it could harm national security. The newspaper delayed the completion of the article by a few hours, as the staff was too busy looking at their high school graduating classes to read the message. While many details are still unknown, officials familiar with the program say the security organizations eavesdrop on as many as 50,000 college students per semester. They say the eavesdropping took on more importance with the introduction of photo albums for each student. “The recent advancements on Facebook have really helped out the N.S.A.,” said a top Bush administration official. “The photo albums, the improved comment wall, as well as the ability to see more pictures of a given suspect have all made our job easier.” While the Bush administration sees the operation as a necessary evil in the war on terror, some on Capital Hill remain skeptical. “I’m not sure about all this ‘privacy’ business, but I do know one thing: the Facebook is clearly an addiction that has spiraled out of control,” said Senator Jim Bunning (R-Ky). Indeed nearly all the officials admit the administration has become obsessed with the online community. “At the last staff meeting I went to, Vice President Cheney spent all his time surfing the Facebook looking at pictures of sorority mixers,” said an official. “Secretary Rice usually searches for old classmates she hates and submits their e-mail addresses to the N.S.A. as a joke.” “It started as a security procedure, but now it’s just another way to kill time instead of doing work. I mean, we haven’t found a single terrorist on Facebook. I did find my daughter’s best friend in second grade, though.” The officials all agree, however, that no one is worse than President Bush. “The man has hundreds of fake identities, nearly one at each school,” one official said. “Sometimes he’s a regular undergraduate, but usually it’s a character. You know, like, Jesus Christ or one of those comedians who want to friend everyone on Facebook.” President Bush has left some schools out of the security tap. A top Bush aide said, “He’s not looking at NYU or Oberlin or schools like that. He says he doesn’t want to look at photo albums of hippies and art fags.” That same official identified popular UK Facebooker Jacques Derrida as Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez. “Gonzalez has a really lofty sense of humor. He thought everyone would know the father of decontructionism … but he was wrong.” Documents obtained by The Colonel show that Facebook is the first in a line of social networking sites the administration plans on infiltrating. The documents contain analyses and strategies for such sites as Myspace, XuQa, HotorNot, as well as the popular gay site, xy.com. President Bush has also considered bringing in criminal profilers to interpret the favorites lists of certain individuals. “He wants to know what a person’s favorite movies say about him or her,” one official said. “He’s particularly concerned about those people who list foreign films as faves. He thinks that’s a red flag for terrorists.” Officials advise college students to be vigilant. “If you’re going to blow up something, don’t take your digital camera, and don’t list terrorist activities as interests, you know?” said one top aide. Congressional hearings to determine the legality of the program are not expected.

By Jeff Gannon
Washington Correspondent #2

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Vice President Dick Cheney this week proudly announced the creation of a new $300 scholarship to be sponsored by the White House: the Iraq Exit Strategy Essay Contest. Noting the success of the Money Matters 2005 Summer Scholarship that asked students to reform the US tax code for a similar cash prize of $300 (www.moneymatters101.com/aboutus/scholarship.asp), Cheney introduced the award opportunity as an extension of President Bush’s focus on increasing accountability in public schools.

“For too long, America’s teachers have failed to educate our students in the subjects that matter most in the twenty-first century: democracy building and strategic military withdrawal. I don’t think I need to tell you that the consequences for American policymaking have been nothing short of catastrophic. This scholarship is about holding our teachers accountable…and nothing more,” Cheney explained.

The essay competition calls for a 150,000-word policy guidebook detailing a withdrawal strategy for US troops stationed in Iraq, an outline of an Iraqi constitution, an administrative structure and training program for local security forces, and an assessment plan for future Iraqi national elections.

The scholarship deadline has been set for September 12, 2005. Cheney denied rumors that the timing of the contest is set to coincide with the opening plenary session of the United Nations General Assembly on September 14th when newly appointed US Ambassador John Bolton is expected to outline America’s immediate plans for restoring stability in and autonomy to the embattled nation of Iraq.

The Vice President then addressed the allegations in his usual direct manner: “The timing of this award has nothing to do with the Greater Eleusinian Mysteries, which celebrate the retrieval of Persephone from Hades. The President likes a good Da Vinci Code as much as the next guy, but the Mysteries ended in the fourth century BC.”

Cheney defiantly refused to comment on what the government planned to do with the entries it received or why the scholarship was being run by the Department of Defense as opposed to the Department of Education.

NIAGARA FALLS, Ontario - At a typically quiet pharmacy on the northern side of the U.S.-Canadian border, a line of senior citizens fresh off a bus formed to collect phoned-in prescriptions. Cecille Milton, 77, a resident of Buffalo, New York, made the bus trip with a group from her church to pick up three months’ worth of Zocor and Hyzaar, her cholesterol and blood pressure medications. Paying almost $150 less than the typical retail for identical pills in the U.S., Milton was quoted as stating, “When it comes to a choice between spending three-fourths of my social security check on drugs or taking food off the dinner table at Merck [the manufacturer of her medications], you’d better believe I’ll stick it to them every time.” Milton cackled and boarded the bus to return home.

A press conference at Merck’s headquarters in New Jersey was cancelled later that day when the power company shut off the building’s electricity. C.E.O. Raymond Gilmartin and the rest of the board of directors shared a can of baked beans heated over a candle and then walked home.

White House Extends Fetal Rights to the Unconceived

Special to The Colonel from:
Emma Goldman,
Family First activist
“Unfertilized gametocytes are people, too,” elaborated Dr. W. David Hager. Recently appointed head of the Food and Drug Administration’s Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee by President Bush, Hager is the author of As Jesus Cared for Women: Restoring Women Then and Now, a book that blends Biblical accounts of Christ healing women with case studies from Hager's practice. “The fact remains that the only way to ensure the welfare of the infertile ovum is to secure the uterus: we must sequester women’s reproductive organs from the destructive forces of this world. These forces include, but are not limited to, the perils of civic service, the stresses of private sector jobs and, of course the unbearable weight of suffrage. We will seek to protect the unconceived by keeping our Godly women safe in the one place where Jesus intended: the kitchen.”

By the Numbers

A recent national survey published by TIME magazine reported that 36% of American high school students feel newspapers should have to get government approval before printing a story. At first glance this is not too alarming until computer-assisted analysis reveals this leaves 64% of students believing otherwise! Nearly 65% of students believing that newspapers that are left open, exposed, and in plain sight for everyone to see should be filled with whatever type of manifesto any degenerate wants to print. Who raises these hell-bound children? At an age when they should be hunting with their fathers, though these little urchins probably come from single mother homes, perhaps homosexual ones, they instead desire speaking poorly of our president and ill about our troops. It is because of mindsets like these that we have become a divided country and it is a time when events like 9/11 are most apt to occur.

Scalia Garners International Support for Juvenile Death Penalty

U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is no longer alone in his opposition to the high court’s decision to abolish death as a punishment for minors. As word of the case traveled across the newswires globally, many expressed support and sympathy on Scalia’s behalf. They include, but are not limited to, the three states that have legalized the juvenile death penalty (Pakistan, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, and Iran), a few US-sponsored Honduran death squads and most Sunni warlords in northern Iraq.

Now let us all come together for this week’s hymn: Number 575

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