From Funny People
J. Seinfeld - "My parents just moved to Florida. They didnt want to,
but they turned sixty. It's the law."
Unknown - " When I die, I want to go like my grandfather - peacefully,
in my sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car"
M. Twain - "Lets suppose you were an idiot. And lets suppose you were
a member of Congress...... But I repeat myself"
Rod Stewart -" I dont want to get married again. I'll just find a woman
I dont like and give her a house."
J.Carson - If life were fair Elvis would still be alive and the impersonators
would be dead"
P,Poundstone - "My mother said she learned how to swim when some people
took her out in the middle of the lake and pushed her out of the boat.
I said, "Mom, they werent trying to tach you to swim"
Roseanne - "Some women complain about PMS. I look at it as the only
time of the month I can be myself."
Dave Barry - "I like dogs. You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and
he'll give you that look that says, "God, youre right. I never would
have thought of that."
Richard Jeni "I know how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime & poverty, but it isn't
cold enough. Lets's go west."
Conan Obrian - "A study in the Washington Post stated that women have
better verbal skills than men. I'd like to say one thing to the authors
of that study, "DUH"
Dave Barry - "Given the choice between catching a fly ball and saving
an infants life, women will go for the infant every time. Even without
considering if theres someone on base."
J. Foxworthy - The job of being the designated driver is not a good
one. But if you get stuck with it, try to have some fun. At the end
of the night, let everyone out at the wrong house."