Alan DeSantis

Wisdom From Funny People

J. Seinfeld - "My parents just moved to Florida. They didnt want to, but they turned sixty. It's the law."

Unknown - " When I die, I want to go like my grandfather - peacefully, in my sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car"

M. Twain - "Lets suppose you were an idiot. And lets suppose you were a member of Congress...... But I repeat myself"

Rod Stewart -" I dont want to get married again. I'll just find a woman I dont like and give her a house."

J.Carson - If life were fair Elvis would still be alive and the impersonators would be dead"

P,Poundstone - "My mother said she learned how to swim when some people took her out in the middle of the lake and pushed her out of the boat. I said, "Mom, they werent trying to tach you to swim"

Roseanne - "Some women complain about PMS. I look at it as the only time of the month I can be myself."

Dave Barry - "I like dogs. You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and he'll give you that look that says, "God, youre right. I never would have thought of that."

Richard Jeni "I know how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime & poverty, but it isn't cold enough. Lets's go west."

Conan Obrian - "A study in the Washington Post stated that women have better verbal skills than men. I'd like to say one thing to the authors of that study, "DUH"

Dave Barry - "Given the choice between catching a fly ball and saving an infants life, women will go for the infant every time. Even without considering if theres someone on base."

J. Foxworthy - The job of being the designated driver is not a good one. But if you get stuck with it, try to have some fun. At the end of the night, let everyone out at the wrong house."