Daily Affirmations for Doctoral
- Today I will pretend that
I know what everyone's talking about.
- Today I will pretend that
I know what I'm talking about.
- Today I will remind everyone
I meet that scholarship is a game of horseshoes.
- Today I will organize everything
in an attempt to reclaim the little control I have left over my life.
- When the professor asks me
a difficult question in class today, I will ask to phone a friend.
- Today I will announce that
to begin writing my dissertation I will need money and a room of my
- Today I will cover my eyes, count to ten, and yell, "Ready or not, here I come!" I'll then search feverishly for my theoretical framework.
- I will use (n.d.) for “no
date” when citing any publication that I don’t feel like
- To maintain psychic balance,
I will employ all of Freud's Defense Mechanisms on a daily basis.
- En réponse des questions
difficiles je parlerai français sans rien traduire.
- TODAY I WILL WRITE IMPORTANT
POINTS OF MY ASSIGNMENTS IN ALL CAPS. What do you mean, "LATENT
- I will pay fifth graders to
do my less significant course work.
- Today I will clean the entire
house from ceiling to floor to avoid school work.
- Today I will dress in a suit
of armor that reads, “In protection of self-efficacy."
- Today when I am spurned by
the powers that be, I will go home and hug my cat.
- Today I will alphabetize my
- Today I will delve into the
private lives of those around me to unearth their inner turmoil and
thus render mine less significant.
- In place of data tables I
will interpret statistical findings artistically.
- Tonight I will treat myself
to a feast of bread and tuna.
- Today I will stand and scream
during an important lecture.
- To promote caring in my seminar,
I will suggest that we purchase a class pet.
- The next time my advisor compares
me to one of his more successful former students I will remind him that
senility begins around age 50.
- I am not competitive. (But
I am winning.)
- I will suck my thumb for comfort
during today's lecture on Freud.
- Surfing the web is
a form of exercise.
- Today I will organize my books
- Today I will share my cat’s
food to save money for copies.
- In the wee hours of the morning
I will inundate my advisor's mailbox with my numerous thoughts and concerns
to ensure he starts off his workday focused on my needs.
- Today I will rally fellow
students to sing “It’s a Hard Knock Life” in the middle
of a boring seminar.
- When I’m feeling stuck
today I’ll remind myself that psychological research simply states
- I am not perfectionistic,
but my parents are.
- Rubber darts make learning
- Today I will affix a sign
to each classroom door that reads: "You have reached the end of
your zone of proximal development. Please exit to the left."
- Today I will use my least
favorite professor’s email address to join a disgruntled-student
- To keep my writing interesting,
I will omit words that end in silent e.
- Today I will recommend psychotherapy
to anyone who invades my space.
- Today I will hang a punching
bag in the graduate student office.
- Today I will saunter across
boundaries that I deem unreasonable.
- Today I will invent my own
language and isolate myself from those who appear to misunderstand what
- I will take out my academic
frustration by belittling undergraduates.
- Today I will color-code my
- I will suppress all giggles
when my committee Chair asks why I did not cite him in my dissertation
- Today I will develop chronic
- To establish my worth as a
TA, I will publicly disagree with everything my professor says on the
first day of class. If that doesn't work, I'll offer candy to the first
undergraduate who finds the five typographical errors on the syllabus.
- Today I will start a Save
the Trees campaign by reducing the number of “important”
articles placed in my box.
- When my advisor hurts my feelings,
I will have my parents request a conference.
- When I stand before my committee
to defend my proposal, I will reach up to the ceiling and appeal in
a raspy whisper, "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope."
- When I show up to class without
my materials, I will blame a classmate for stealing my homework.
- When I'm having trouble sleeping
I will count poor mutant sheep.
- Fugit irreparabile tempus.
- Instead of using boring Latin
terms, I will pepper my writing with Pig Latin.
- Ublishpay oray erishpay. Oundssay
icernay isthay ayway, oesn'tday itay?
- Today I will organize my books
- Today I will use a GPS device
to track my professors' weekend whereabouts.
- Today I will request storage
space for my emotional baggage.
- Chocolate chip cookies are
my divine right and obligation.
- To those who talk a lot and
say little, I will forward all of my spam.
- I will refuse to take a position
- When class discussion is not
going my way I will take out a deck of cards and play solitaire.
- Today I will accentuate one
of my terribly maladaptive mental maladies.
- Today I will be politically
- I will send my advisor errant
emails to indicate that I am off task with my research.
- Today I will invent a time-saving
intravenous feeding device to enable 'round the clock productivity.
- Today I will advise those
who whine to either get better or die.
- In my copious spare time,
I will read extraneous literature offered to me by my out-of-touch professors,
colleagues, and friends.
- Today I will hide all of my
- Today I will assemble a toolkit
to offer those who find me "high maintenance."
- I will not have fun, I will
not play. I will not have fun, I will not play.
- Today I will eat ten fortune
cookies and then randomly select my dissertation topic.
- My advisor cares for me. NOT!
- Today I will announce my new
advisor: Professor Jack Daniels.
- Today I will end a particularly
lengthy class comment with "But perhaps you're all missing the
- Today I will respond to my
professors' corrections of my writing with "Oh yeah, and when was
the last time you published anything remotely readable?"
- There is nothing but water
in my shiny metal flask.
- Today I will flee to Europe.
- Today I will implement a game
show buzzer system to regulate talk time in my seminars. Just for fun
I will short-circuit all buzzers but mine.
- Today I will add an electric
shock component to my buzzer system to remind people to think twice
- As I run errands today, I
will speak to others in educational jargon.
- Today I will request that my annual Amazon spendings be converted to frequent flyer
- When a professor puzzles me
today, I'll look at him quizzically and ask, "Dude, what's your damage?"
- Today I will begin an unkind
rumor about a fellow doctoral student who is more capable than I.
- How can I know what I think
unless I hear what my advisor says?
- The cash-value of any idea
is always $3.73 (plus tax).
- Today I will put a stop to
my advisor's critical diatribe by letting him know that I am fully aware
of the web sites he likes to frequent.
- Today I will answer all important
questions by asking "WWWJD"?
- Today I will contrive useful
acronyms that no one else understands.
- I am not passive aggressive.
I am delightfully spontaneous.
- Today I will run with scissors.
- For security in my relationships,
I will ask not if I am loved, but if I am statistically significant.
- Today I will send my advisor
an email message every three minutes to ensure he does not forget I
- Professors are self-centered,
cantankerous, fusty know-it-alls.
- Today I will contemplate my
chances of ever doing something right the first time.
- Today I will remind fellow
students that we are nothing but pawns on a game of university chess.
- To avoid redundancy today,
I will speak only in movie lines. (Airplane!, anyone?)
- It looks like I picked the
wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
- Today I will play in the sandbox.
- To make my writing more elegant
today, I will use the
- Today I will sweat the small
- To combat animal cruelty in
science, I will introduce a rodent rehabilitation
center in my department's faculty bathroom.
- Today I will trust in path
analysis to show me the way.
- Today when my advisor is lecturing
me to no end, I will stand, arms extended, eyes wide, and shout, "CAN
I GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE?"
- Before my day's work is done,
I must discomfort at least one person, preferably someone more competent
- Instead of going to the gym
to work out today, I will lift textbooks at home. For my cardiovascular
exercise I will reread the Division's doctoral degree requirements.
- Today I will pay for my groceries
- Today my incessant graduate
school stories will estrange me from yet another family member.
- Today I will paste a target
to my forehead to help my professors aim at shooting down my ideas.
- Today I will seek to understand
the hamster wheel that is my life. Tomorrow I will reinvent it.
- Today I will build a tower out of my writer's blocks.
- I will include traits like
"cute" and "fun-loving" in my descriptive statistics
- Pseudo-ignorance is pseudo-bliss.
- To establish an honest rapport
today, I will use indirect means to highlight a subordinate's shortcomings.
- Today I will sport my "Warning:
- The ultimate answer to any
research question dwells in the "tricky balance" of a "complex
interplay of inextricably intertwined variables."
- When I find myself in an interpersonal
quandary today I will use my favorite comebacks until I am left alone:
(1) Whatever, (2) You think?, or (3) [pause] ... oh, nevermind.
- Today I will use duct tape
in a creative, productive way.
- Today I will announce that
taking a constructivist's approach to teaching is just another way of
saying, "I'm not prepared."
- I digress therefore I am.
- Today I will remember that
what a professor says is inversely related to what he means ... except
when it isn't.
- Today I will bug the Division's
faculty meeting to find out what's really going on.
- During class break today,
I will rip out key pages of the textbook of any fellow student who has
gleefully claimed to have "read ahead."
- Today I will suggest that
along with a graduate school handbook, students should be issued user's
manuals for each of their professors.
- Graduate school is nothing
but a glorified Skinner box.
- I accept the fact that my
opinion does not matter.
- Today I will demand that my
professors beef up their lame criticism of my work that I may grow and
flourish as a scholar.
educational goal is to be able to say nothing with eloquence.
- Today I will be usefully offensive.
- Today I will inform my professors
that they are not yet teaching within my zone of proximal development.
- Today I will assure my colleagues
that I named my voodoo doll long before I started my graduate program.
- Today I will schedule an appointment
with my physician to have
my emotions disconnected from my intellect.
- Today I will add a Sudoku puzzle to my dissertation appendix to reward persistent readers.
- Today I will remind my advisor
that try as he may, he can't make me cry.
- When I am asked to comment
on reading I haven't done, I will squint and claim that I won't be able
to afford a new pair of glasses until the next loan check arrives.
- Today I will consult the Magic
8 Ball for answers to important questions.
- Today I will ponder the futility
of sustained attention.
- I'm fine. Really.
- Today I will replace my passive
aggressive tendencies with active ones.
- Today I will collate and bind
my last four years of emails and submit them as my dissertation.
- Today I will ask a friend
to remind me what real people do for fun on the weekend.
- Today I will remind my professors
that their primary function is to nurture my fledgling self-beliefs.
- In class today I will converse
with my schizophrenic other.
- Today I will schedule a long-overdue appendectomy for my dissertation.
- At the annual professional
conference I will stalk those professors whose work I often cite.
- Today I will enact the statistical
concept of "dummy variables."
- Today I will congratulate
those around me for having reached their highest potential.
- Today I will crawl around on all fours and refer to my dissertation as "my precious."
- Penultimately, polysyllablism
- Today I will arrange for 10 gallons of icy orange Gatorade to be dumped over my adviser at the end of my dissertation defense.
list was inspired by Professor Pajares's Daily
Affirmations for Professors.
Special thanks to those who offered irresistible suggestions.