Canticles III: Miscellaneous

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It is sometimes said that history repeats itself. I can't see why it should repeat itself, really; most of it simply doesn't seem worth repeating. However, just in case there should be a second go-around, I would like to refresh your memory on some of the salient events in recorded history.

Agricola came on his way
To keep the English hordes at bay.
One day he stepped a shade too near
The whirling blades of Boadicea.
"By St. Dennis, what a menace!
Holy Moses, Snakes alive!
See the bloodstains on my toga!
They should not let women drive!"

Caesar marched his men from Rome,
He conquered Gaul and then came home.
'Twas then he crossed the Rubicon
And forgot to put his gum boots on.
"Veni, vidi, I feel seedy,
I shall catch the 'flu, it's certain!
Ave verum, fetch the serum!
I am going for a Burton!"*

There was a king called Henry Eighth
Who had six wives and countless dates.
He met a fate which well befits
All those who seek fringe benefits.
"Prithee, Harry, do not tarry,
Give me money for the victuals.
I'm too busy to pot Lizzy.
Kindly see she does her littles!"

Soviet spaceman Gagarin
Flew round the world in an airtight tin.
Let me tell you how he felt
When crossing the Van Allen Belt.
"Every ion that's a-flyin'
Great discomfort it engenders.
How I wish that guy Van Allen
Kept his pants up with suspenders!"

History is curious stuff,
You'd think by now we'd had enough;
But yet the truth remains, I fear,
They make more of it every year.
Revolutions, executions,
Lockout, famine, and disaster.
Though I don't know where we're going,
I am sure we're going faster!

*"Going for a Burton" - this was wartime (Royal) Air Force slang for "suffering a disaster." The phrase is thought to be connected with the city of Burton on Trent, where there was a salvage center for crashed planes.

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And it came to pass in those days that one Sargent Shriver was appointed chief honcho of the anti-poverty program, known in Kentucky as the 'Happy Pappy' program. At the same time, actor Fess Parker was busy glorifying the same rugged conditions which so distressed the bureaucrats.

Daniel Boone was a silly old goon
And a silly old goon was he!
And he used a fork instead of a spoon
To stir his afternoon tea."Splosh it all around, all around!" said the corporal,
"Merry, merry men are we!
Oh there never was a goon like Daniel Boone
Who used a fork on his tea!"

Daniel Boone was a silly old goon
And a silly old goon was he!
He was very, very lucky in discovering Kentucky
To be first in line for anti-poverty.
"Give'm plenty wampum till we swamp'em!" said the Sargent,
"Merry, merry men are we!
He's a very lucky chappy to become a happy pappy
In the hills of Kentucky!"

Daniel Boone was a silly old goon
And a silly old goon was he!
And although he couldn't act
He was given a contract
To impersonate Fess Parker on TV.
"Shoot'em in the head till they're dead!" said the tough guy,
"Merry, merry men are we.
And whatever may be left of the widowed and bereft
We'll convert to Christianity."

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The bookwriting business still offers good rewards to those who go about the job in a business-like manner. Here's how:

If you want to be an author
'Tis a very hard profession;
You must spare no effort nor expense
To make a good impression.
You must climb the Himalaya,
Cross the ocean in a raft;
You'll never make a living
If you don't do something daft.

Refrain: Because the dough comes rolling in,
Because the dough come rolling in;
It is when you write your memoirs
That the dough comes rolling in.

We bought a little paddle boat
And named it the Kontiki,
Then we beached it in New Zealand
Shouting "Veni, vidi, vici!"
When we started there were two of us,
And now there are twenty-four.
And this is the result of sucking
Plancton through a straw.

Never mind the plot and story,
That is very often lackin'.
You only need provide a little
Anger to look back in.
So embrace the trade of authorship!
You'll have a jolly time,
For as a source of income
It's the next best thing to crime.

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It's no good writing a book unless you can sell it. Here is an account of the way encyclopedia salesmen go to work to make the gross national product even grosser.

We are two travelling salesmen,
The wares we sell are poor,
But our hand is on the bell-push
And out foot is in the door.
We'll try the usual salespitch
That has worked so well before.

"Good sir, we are not salesmen,
Such people we eschew.
We're here in the name of Science
To request an interview."
Don't ask him what is Science
'Cos he hasn't got a clue!

"Here's news of social sciences
Packed thick from cover to cover,
From Heloise and Abelard
To Lady Chatterly's Lover."
The spicy bits are censored
As he shortly will discover.

"Marlowe's Doctor Faustus
Brought the author classic fame.
The Doc seduced a maiden
And the poor girl died of shame."
It's the bitch what gets the pleasure,
It's the whore what gets the blame.

"The Origin of the Species
Raised a ruckus in its day,
So Darwin took the Beagle ship
And sailed to Botany Bay."
When he saw the good ship Venus
He discreetly looked away.

"Let me offer you my ball point,
Fill in this application.
Twelve cents a day for twenty years
My sole remuneration."
That makes eight hundred dollars
Less expenses and taxation.
"Sucker!"

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Where else can you get advice as good as "Abby's"?

Refrain: Abby, I've got a little problem
And so I type a letter to you,
Abby, I've got a little problem,
And I must have your advice.

"I am a fourth grade teacher
And doing very well,
But now they want to fire me
Because I cannot spell."
"I've talked to Educationists,
And if they're to be trusted,
It don't matter if the kids can't spell,
So long as they're adjusted.
So thank you, dear, for sending me
This interesting epistle.
Your union must protect you
Against unjust dismissal."

"I am a fundamentalist
And don't believe in fossils,
Because they are not mentioned in
The books of the Apostles."
"If you ignore discoveries
By Darwin and by Goethe,
You can always teach biology
In the high schools of Alberta."

"Last night I had a nightmare--
It all went as expected.
The demos plumped for Humphrey,
And Nixon got elected."
"Little girls like you should all
Be watching televisions.
Pipe down and learn to have respect
For the grown-ups wise decisions."

"I am a charming lady
But all the world does hate me.
It's just because I grow a beard
The boys refuse to date me."
"Your problem's very simple.
Now get this through your head.
If you don't get to date the boys,
Just date the girls instead."

"My husband is a spaceman
With many charming features,
But all he ever talks about
Is asteroids and meteors."
"I'm sure he also thinks of you
As he sails the starry voids.
Let's hope that science soon will find
A cure for asteroids."

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Do you remember Gloria Steinem and her Women's Lib Movement? This song is dedicated to her.

Menfolk, haste to mobilize,
Guard the ramparts, man the fort!
See before your very eyes,
See what Women's Lib has wrought!       
Refrain: Gloria Steinem,
In excelsis meo.

When you're sick, that is bad news,
Maybe worse than you had feared.
Surgeons all wear high-heeled shoes,
Every nurse has got a beard.

See the worthy general,
She has many a battle scar.
Pin gold braid on her lapel.
Mind it don't go through her bra.

They have chalked up many a gain,
Soon they'll run for President.
How will menfolk then explain,
Our first lady is a gent?

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Waltzing Matilda' is a favorite Australian song which, by reason ot its bizarre terminology, is sometimes hard for Americans to appreciate. As a public service I have therefore revamped it and relocated the setting to the more cultured environment of Jackson, Mississippi.

A hunter while relaxin'
At a waterhole near Jackson
Spied a jumbuck through his telescopic sights upon a crag.
With a terrifying whistle
His well-aimed and murderous missile
Jolts the jumbuck, and in no time it is in his tucker bag.

Refrain: Felonious game law violator!
Shoot you now and try you later!
Killing of a jumbuck is a federal offense.
'Tis a grievous misdemeanor;
We shall serve you a subpoena,
Any statement that you make will be produced in evidence.

The sheriff was alerted,
And with twelve armed men blue-shirted\
They stalked the luckless hunter till they had him in their sights.
They performed a smart manoeuver
Under Chief J. Edgar Hoover,
And they shoved him down the well shaft 'cos he mentioned
civil rights.

The hunter paid for doing wrong,
Fell smack upon his billabong,
Contused and crunched his cranium while crashing down the well.
Transformed from scourge of beasts predatory
To ghost hallucinatory,
He ghost-writes all the garbage that the politicians sell.

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You citizens of humble trades, you slaves of industry,
Who toil away in ignorance, be thankful you have me.
Behold, I am an expert, the answer to all your prayers,
And I will tell you in a moment how to manage your affairs.
For I have no cause to doubt it,
Though I never went there to look.
I read up all about it
In a book about a book about a book.

With magic words I justify huge deficits and inflation,
And I can prove oil subsidies are essential to the nation.
For it's thanks to my great talent and advice behind the scenes
That the world's most wealthy nation lives far beyond its means.

They say there are some families who don't get enough to eat,
So I proposed that farmers should be paid to not grow wheat.
Take heart, you underprivileged, for better days will dawn.
Give thanks to those who govern us for the fine supply of corn.
For I have no cause to doubt it,
Though I never went there to look.
I read up all about it
In a book about a book about a book.

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Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are thawing,
The water spurts through ruptures small and large.
The damage to the plasterboard and flooring
Exceeds the limit on my Master Charge.
So come ye back to help your poor old Mary
Who stands thigh-deep in water from the main.
Come back and do whatever is necessary
To put this flooded house in order once again!

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Now listen to a complete performance of 'La Traviata,' the likes of which you have never heard before.

There was a girl called Violetta,
And old Alfredo tried to get her,
But she thought that she would rather
Obey the wishes of Fred's father.

Refrain: La Traviata, La Traviata,
Time to kiss that babe good bye.
La Traviata, La Traviata,
What a shame she had to die.

Freddie's father was a cheater.
Oh, how he loved la dolce vita.
So he said to Miss Valery,
"Don't talk with Fred, he is a fairy."

She dies just as the curtain closes,
A victim of tuberculosis.
Oh, shed a tear for poor Alfredo.
How will he cope with his libido?

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How about a game of tennis? Surely on the championship level the manners of the champions are impeccable.

On Wimbledon's courts where the grass it grows greener
There's no place for mayhem and gross misdemeanor.
The umpire sits high and can view every line,
Destabilize his stool and you'll get a stiff fine.

Refrain: Don't spit at the linesman, Mac!
It's viewed with disfavor. You'll put up a black.
Besides, if you do he will likely spit back
And make your shirt quite a bit cleaner.

On tantrums and blasphemy folks have grown blase.
That's all been around since the days of Nastase.
But the Duchess of Kent she politely requests yer,
Please to refrain from that insolent gesture.

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