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Nonsense
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| The Hotline (1969) | Tune: "The girl I left behind me" |
Imagine what could have happened if Kosygin really did call President Nixon on the hotline and asked him to come to the Kremlin. This is how Chris thinks it could have gone:
The hotline rang with a dismal clang,
'Twas the Kremlin calling for the Prexi.
A voice said, "Dick, you gotta come here quick
To talk to your friend Alexi."
A regretful frown lined Nixon's brow
As he answered to Kosygin:
"Spiro and I can't come just now.
Would you settle for Ronald Reagan?"
The Russ cajoled till at length, behold,
Such tact and diplomacy they wielded
That Nixon said, "You'll ruin my sched-
ule," but at last he yielded.
At the airport, bands farewell did play
With trumpet, drum, and tuba,
But the plane got hijacked on the way,
And he ended up in Cuba.
| Laredo (1970) | folksong |
As I walked down in the streets of Laredo,
As I walked down in Laredo one day,
I spied a young cowboy dressed in a tuxedo,
Driving around in a new Chevrolet.
I said to him, "Cowboy, 'tis a hard life you're living.
What's the reward for your sweat and your toil?"
He said to me, "Mister, you gotta be kidding.
There's no cows round here, Bud, I'm drilling for oil.
There's things that I do, though I oughtn't to do'em,
For I be a cowboy and know I done wrong.
But the tax laws have loopholes, you could drive a truck
through'em,
So I'll grow stinking rich just like Senator Long."
| Nixon 1970 | Tune:"Dr. Eisenbart" (German folksong) |
Meanwhile, back at the White House, President Nixon was in the middle of his first term. Remember? Walter Hickel had been fired for doing his job too conscientiously, the so-called 'Southern Strategy' was being actively pursued, Hainsworth and Carswell were nominated to the Supreme Court but did not get Congressional confirmation. Here are the President's thoughts at that time
Good folks, to you I now present
A message from your President,
Who gave to the silent majority
Their silent spokesman Spiro T.
Now Congress caused me disappointment
Denying Carswell's court appointment.
I shall confine from now henceforth
My Southern Strategy to the North.
Environment is my concern,
But campaign funds are hard to earn.
The oilmen paid in many a nickel;
Up with Morton, down with Hickel.
The Law has been most good to me;
No need for any reform I see.
From feuding factions I recoil,
I'm President for one and oil.
Recession is exasperating.
I lost five points in the Nielsen rating.
But I know I'll make dramatic gains
Since reading the works of the late Lord Keynes.
Now let me with great emphasis
Say this about that and that about this.
No matter what I say or do,
It's gotta pay off in '72.
| Nixon 1972 | Tune: "Bless'em All!" |
In election year 1972 the Vietnam war showed no sign of ending. Dissatisfaction with it was growing and the economy was worsening. Clearly a Diplomatic Initiative was needed.The purpose of a Diplomatic Initiative is to create the impression that one is a Great Foreign Statesman. A target country is selected and after much banqueting, a communique is issued to the effect that 'significant momentum has been imparted to the cause of international understanding.' In this instance, the country selected happened to be China.
My friends, the election is drawing quite near
And I hope you won't think me too brash.
But let me make one thing now perfectly clear,
Hand over your votes and your cash.
Miami conventions are costly to run,
So I on your loyalty call.
Your signature fix on
A check for Dick Nixon,
So cheer up, me lads, bless'em all.
Bless'em all, bless'em all, the Sheraton's holding a ball.
Bless the arms lobby and makers of guns,
Bless ITT and all sources of funds,
'Cos we're saying goodbye to them all
Unless you elect me next fall.
Your signature fix on
A check for Dick Nixon,
So cheer up, me lads, bless'em all.
At home and abroad I most proudly declare
Of successes my record is full.
The Chinese, they gave me a black and white bear,
In return I gave them lots of bull.
I bailed out Penn Central and Lockhheed as well,
Then watched the economy stall.
For this piece of folly
You can thank John Connolly,
So cheer up, me lads, bless'em all.
Bless'em all, bless'em all, let's drive the Chinese up their
wall.
Bless comrade Breznev and Mao Tse Tung,
Bernadette Devlin and her bastard son,
'Cos we're saying good bye to them all
As back to the woodwork we crawl
With deficit spending and debt never-ending,
So cheer up, me lads, bless'em all!
| The Seven Old Democrats (1972) | Tune: "Seven Old Ladies" |
After Watergate, the American Public was not obliged to accept Republican wrongheadedness. An alternative was offered in the form of Democrat Total Confusion. A lot of things went wrong at that Democrat Convention.
Refrain: Oh dear, what can the matter be?
The name of the first one was Hubert H. Humphrey.
He only went there to make himself comfy.
He tried to stand up but could not get his bum free,
And nobody knew he was there.
The next was a Senator Muskie from Maine.
He tried it before, now he's trying again.
But his prospects, they all seem to slip down the drain,
And nobody knew he was there.
The name of the next one was Eugene McCarthy
Who aimed at reforming the Democrat party.
Does he think Sherlock Holmes could reform Moriarty?
And nobody knew he was there.
The name of the next one was Georgie McGovern.
When others went hawking, he went out a-dovin'.
I fear he'll get lost in the kickin' and shovin',
And nobody knew he was there.
The name of the next one was Wilbur D. Mills
Who had nothing to work with but ten-dollar bills.
'Twas a tight situation which tested his skills,
And nobody knew he was there.
Next came John Lindsay from New York's fair city
Who liked to read poems and words that are witty.
He stayed long enough just to view the graffitti,
And nobody knew he was there.
The name of the next one was Senator Jackson
Who thinks that a bus ain't a thing to put blacks on.
All bigots rejoice at the sound of his claxon,
And nobody knew he was there.
And one afterthought was Senator Kennedy.
When he got free from his work at the Senate, he
Liked to go roving but Never on-Sen-a-day,
And nobody knew he was there
| This Old Man (1974) | (You know the tune) |
This old man, number one,
Did some jobs for Howard Hunt.
Refrain: Mitchell, Haldeman, Ehrlichman, and Dean
Think Judge Sirica is mean.
This old man, number two,
Wrote reports for - guess who?
This old man, number three,
Bargained for immunity.
This old man, number four,
His bumper sticker says "Four Years More."
This old man did contrive
To take Amendment number five.
This old man, number six,
Played some rather filthy tricks.
This old man, number seven,
With a wig like that he'll never go to heaven.
This old man, number eight,
Never heard of Watergate.
This old man, number nine,
Some folks think he should resign.
This old man, number ten,
Back to square one, let's start again.
This old man, number one,
He thinks Nixon is the one... click (15 second tape gap)
| The Attorney General (1974) | Tune: "The Major General" from "Pirates of Penzance" by Arthur Sullivan |
With Dita Beard and Vesco, I feel everyone's my enemy.
Now Martha's got the notion she can make an honest man of me.
Sometimes I'm so depressed, I simply feel I cannot stand it all.
Won't someone take me back to my old home in the Neanderthal?
Where I can use harsh language about druggery and thuggery
While working hard to organize the Watergate skulduggery.
My tenure, it was memorable, joyful but ephemeral,
Repentin' in San Quentin is your ex-Attorney General.
| Old Man Rip-off (1976) | Tune "Old Man River" (with apologies to Jerome Kern) |
| The Paper Shortage (1974) | Tune: something like "The Red, White and Blue" |
Refrain: The story is tragic but true
There's no paper to hang in the loo,
Not even for regular customers
No paper to hang in the loo.*
Harold Wilson in great indignation
Assembled the whole of his cabinet,
Saying, "How can I govern the nation,
When you rotten fellows keep grabbin' it?
I find it extremely annoying,"
He remarked with an oath maledictory,
"It prevents me from fully enjoying
The first flush of electoral victory."
The Queen, she went off to Australia,
The Duke said, "Well, I'll do the same."
The Privy Council now admits failure,
It cannot live up to its name.
Imagine the grief and commotion,
'Twould make any honest man shiver,
When the House of Lords passes a motion
And the Master of Rolls can't deliver.
*"loo" = water closet. The word is alleged to be a corruption of "Garda Loo". This in turn is a corruption of French "garde l'eau" i.e. "watch out for the water!" This is what chambermaids called out when about to empty their chamberpots onto the street. One wonders why the English chambermaids said this in French. They apparently did not mind if they drenched an Englishman.
| The Pork Barrel Polka (1983) | Tune: "The Beer Barrel Polka" |
This section concludes with a song about the next election and the one after that, and the one after that. It is a very forward-looking song, and it states the issues more plainly than you will find them stated anywhere else
Razzle dazzle, razzle dazzle,
Vote for me and I'll reward yer,
Just like Caesar Borgia,
I'll reward yer, I'll reward yer.
Contributions are expected
So that I can be elected
To a job that's well respected,
And then I'll have it made.
If you're a macho type and know the score,
I'll draft your kids and send them off to war.
And when my vote's no more for hire,
On indexed pension I'll retire.
(New Verse)
When Charlie Keating shows up on the Hill,
We'll take his bribes, then stick you with the bill.)
| Refrain: |  |
© Copyright 1984 and 1996
